Oh Me Oh My

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Well the day started out like any other…up-first cup of coffee behind me…thinking about making an appearance at the gym and pool…then my phone rings….the imaging center, seems the radiologist would like a few more pictures of my infamous breast….can you make it today…well of course…the sooner the better…my heart rate is up, my stomach is in knots.my head is starting to pound..my brain has gone into overdrive…I immedialtly want to go take a shower and do a breast exam, did I miss something??  IS that why my frigin arm is hurting, do I have a lump I can’t feel under my arm pit area.???  See how my brain starts to just unwind…I hate this kind of BS….and so frigin early in the morning…..Aghhhhh   So the imaging center is located in a huge medical office building with a very yummy French Bakery….very authentic French Bakery…..I fought the urge before my appointment, infact that is why I made the intial appointment on a Saturday, the Bakery is closed…besides my brain running in the gutter with terrible thoughts about why they want me to come back in, I have the frigin Bakery that the rebel is reminding to go to……infact I was in line waiting to look at the yummy “des pâtisseries” – but I got to the point where the line was 3 from the cashier….I turned and left….I knew it was just nerves that sent me flying into the bakery to begin with and my rebel…sooooo I had my appointment, followed up with an ultrasound the entire time, praying, making deals with any deity that would listen…I finally get the end results that I have a cyst, pea sized deep in the tissue that’s why I never felt it…I was advised just to let it do its thing…it might get bigger, it might go away or it might stay the same….harmless…..well by then I was one big quivering nerve….so I dressed, almost skipped out….and went directly to my French Bakery, never gave it a second thought….got my coffee and pastry to wolf down in the car……let me tell you, I had a frigin sugar high from hell….my head hurt, my stomach was churning, I still have a lump in my throat…I never once had guilt, as I had already given myself permission because poor Kathy, she had to deal with such a stressful moment in her life, she needed help to get through it….

oh me oh my…I am still a work in progress…obviously I knew what I should of done, however I didn’t follow through, my inner rebel won this round…my inner chimp took over for sure….but my body is paying for my indulgence….I am hoping I don’t forget how horrible I felt, and still do after my French sacrifice…not looking forward to the carb hangover in the morning either…and all that garbage in my body will feed my arthritis pain…..I am shaking my head….and slugging water down….

I am not here asking or looking for any sympathy, I am fine and don’t have to go back for a year….was it stressful, of course, but I was only going for further testing….nothing definite had been said, really no big deal, had you seen me, you would of never thought I was loosing it inside….I as so dam cool calm and collected, getting on with life….but my rebel was screaming inside…my fear won, it had my head, heart and emotions revved very high…I should of known better, well I actually did, I just couldn’t maintain a level head…I still need to work on reining in my inner, insecure rebel…..

So there I have said it out loud, owned up to  my weakness and now it can only get better….needless to say I never made it to the gym…the day just went poof and was over, and I had to watch the Republican debate..

Sorry for all the whining and carrying on….but that is why I started this blog, somewhere for me to get it out onto paper…feels good to get it onto paper and out of my head….

Until tomorrow…..hopefully a much better report…and no –  I am not beating myself up…just pickin it up off the floor and getting on with it….XXkat

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41 thoughts on “Oh Me Oh My

  1. Glad all is good and DON’T worry about the cake and the coffee, just remember the next time you feel you might crack, all you need do is cast your mind back to the last time you ate the cake and you will remember how dreadful you felt post pastry.
    That is what life is all about.

    I do love the saying “Never let a stumble be the end of your journey”
    Quite wonderful words.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I agree with you NOT to beat yourself up, but instead, to learn from the experience. Here is my (unsolicited) recommendation:
    While life is good and peaceful, figure out what will satisfy your emotional needs in times of challenge that produces POSITIVE or NEUTRAL outcomes rather than a DAMAGING ones. Having the “safety net” prepared well in advance creates healthier interventions. The fewer times you turn to choices in life you’re attempting to avoid the easier it gets to remove them as options in life.
    Good luck with any road you choose.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m relieved and proud of you. And don’t you dare apologize for using your space to clear your thoughts. This is YOUR space, and we’re here for YOU. I hope you enjoyed that bakery treat, at least while it was going down. No need for guilt…but I’m sorry it made you sick afterward. Take care of you. 🙂

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  4. Don’t beat yourself up. It was a stressful day. I agree that it’s a good thing that your body didn’t like it much. I too am glad it’s just a cyst. My wife is going through a similar thing. She had her annual yesterday and, with her family history, she wants her to do extensive testing, see if she has the gene, 3-d imaging, etc. she’s nervous, and so am I. Her doc even threw out prophylactic mastectomy during her appt. I try not to show it, but it scares me. Glad yours turned our to be no biggie. Hopeful hers does too.

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  5. Wow Kat what a time you have had. Every day things are thrown in front of us, it feels like an obstacle course…with french pastry stops, we are now trying to complete the course without the pastry stops…I bet we all wish we had the answer what to replace them with. I’m pleased the little devil was only a cyst. Well done you are doing so great.

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