My son and his wife are in the air on their way to Europe for an intense filled 3 weeks…several countries….my anxiety has been a bit on the high side, but seeing the plane tracker and they are finally on their way has helped…I stayed up last night until after 1am last night waiting for them to come over and bring all their electronics for us to baby-sit…LOL I tended to keep eating until they got here last night….I went over my calories by, well lets just say a lot, went to bed and beat myself up, but woke up feeling a little silly for being so hard on myself, however it was kinda stupid to overeat because your kids are going on a trip….when I thought it through it was really silly to be so anxious for them… needless to say I have counted every morsel that went into my mouth today…still under the quota…yeah….
I should explain why I am so anxious over this trip…my son is my youngest, and most headstrong child…I am so glad he married his counterpart. LOL…she also has traveled, so she is experienced with Europe….she will keep him reined in and hopefully out of danger…I should probably have more faith in my son….he has a good head on his shoulders and has, to my knowledge ever done anything to stupid….but we all know that we kept all those fun tidbits from our parents…I am wishing them a wonderful trip of a life time and can’t wait to see them upon return…I am challenging myself to stay under my calorie quota the entire time they are away….I hate to think I am a crazy mother….but perhaps if the shoe fits I must wear it.
Going back to my old day to weigh in..Friday…I started weighing on Friday…then changed to Wednesdays, why I can’t recall..so going back to the end of the week….a little anxious about the number that will come up…I have been in my calorie range but there’s always a but….anyway…my exercise routine has not fit back in to my day. its not like I am so busy I can’t exercise…hello I am retired…I have been gardening, and my energy level is back up…so dealing with house work and feeling like I need to do some spring cleaning…closets, my office the pantry in the garage.. the upstairs…really the list is endless…well I had another good day…nice to feel in control…still have the moments of how frigin crazy it is that I am struggling with food control…really I shouldn’t get started on this subject because it only leads to self derogation…so good mantras replacing bad…it is what it is…until tomorrow….
I am tired of tracking days and weeks…makes me feel like I am reporting…I want to get back to the pleasure of my journey….I have the calorie tracker to answer to daily, and all day at that….before I put anything in my mouth it is on the tracker…so I am reporting to myself already….on that note, I had a very nice Sunday….got up late, exercised some….how unusual…LOL…enjoyed a great breakfast, worked on projects , watched the Masters golf tournament and mowed the yard, laundry….seems I have energy…more than I have had in quite some time….my husband has noticed that the corners are getting cleaned out…LOL Monday, a new week, not a new beginning for me, but just another Monday…I don’t try to think that I am cured from over eating, but I am feeling I am on the right path to getting healthy….as the weight comes off, I will have this outlet to help me with the anxiety that comes with changes in your body….that is where I seem to run to food…change….crazy….I am determined to get through this…one day at a time….hour by hour if needed…..until tomorrow…..
For over a year I have had the luck to have been chosen to help make meals for a wonderful, spitfire 95 year old…..I quickly fell under her spell of charm….she was a warm, caring, spirited woman….she new what she liked and how she wanted it done, and had no problem telling you how to do it….LOL She was married for over 50 years and lived in the same house, her husband built for her over 64 years ago…..she loved her home, even though her eye sight was failing, she knew every crook and cranny…Now she is gone, dancing with her love in the ever after…I have continued to help out and go by the house a couple times a day…As I sat there today…the sadness of her death reached me….. all we work for, coddle, care for, keep close to our hearts because we couldn’t live without… only to watch as it is wrapped and put in a box, packed away to the local charity, to be put on a shelf and bought by a stranger…Watching the shelves that held her pictures of family, dish sets from generations before vanish…it leaves a terrible empty space in my heart…I can’t help but wonder what will happen to all my treasures, my quilts made by generations of women before me…Christmas ornaments that once belonged to my grandmother, then my mother, then me…all my treasures I have squirreled away in cupboards that I bring out once a year to touch and replay memories with love…I will be done this Wednesday at her house, I am ready to put that chapter of my life away…It has been depressing me and I find that it has brought all the death’s in my personal life to the surface and the pain is crippling….I have found myself self-medicating with food to relieve the grief that is creeping back in, all the time knowing that with every mouthful it won’t help…My husband and I are leaving on Friday to head to the Southwest deserts and it can’t get here quick enough for me…So once again I have failed myself…I have no excuse except I am out of control yet again about being in control…I do understand the definition for CRAZY: its doing the same thing over and over again without change…I didn’t write this to get sympathy I wrote this to rid it from my soul…write it down and move on….
Why ? That is the big question I keep asking myself daily, mainly at night, but never the less, daily….I so want to change how I eat and what I am becoming….I can keep on track for awhile and then…boom…I can’t stop….it always happens in the evening….my spouse goes to bed and that seems to be a green light for a free for all in the kitchen…AGHHHH makes me crazy….well lets say tomorrows another day….and I will give it a run for its money….I am sitting here shaking my head and wondering why I am killing myself with food….I know better, I am an intelligent woman and am aware of the consequences of obesity….oh well wont’ help to complain…I will head to bed and tell myself its okay don’t beat yourself up.. and try not feel guilty…perhaps I need to focus on the anxiety part of the eating late at night…maybe it is as simple as my mom used to say to me,,,you always ate when you were tired..maybe is because we have been trained to have a full belly to sleep on since birth…babies sleep better on a full tummy…well maybe I am in baby mode….know I am just grasping at idea….I will go to bed and wake u it will be a new day…..