Oh Me Oh My

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Well the day started out like any other…up-first cup of coffee behind me…thinking about making an appearance at the gym and pool…then my phone rings….the imaging center, seems the radiologist would like a few more pictures of my infamous breast….can you make it today…well of course…the sooner the better…my heart rate is up, my stomach is in knots.my head is starting to pound..my brain has gone into overdrive…I immedialtly want to go take a shower and do a breast exam, did I miss something??  IS that why my frigin arm is hurting, do I have a lump I can’t feel under my arm pit area.???  See how my brain starts to just unwind…I hate this kind of BS….and so frigin early in the morning…..Aghhhhh   So the imaging center is located in a huge medical office building with a very yummy French Bakery….very authentic French Bakery…..I fought the urge before my appointment, infact that is why I made the intial appointment on a Saturday, the Bakery is closed…besides my brain running in the gutter with terrible thoughts about why they want me to come back in, I have the frigin Bakery that the rebel is reminding to go to……infact I was in line waiting to look at the yummy “des pâtisseries” – but I got to the point where the line was 3 from the cashier….I turned and left….I knew it was just nerves that sent me flying into the bakery to begin with and my rebel…sooooo I had my appointment, followed up with an ultrasound the entire time, praying, making deals with any deity that would listen…I finally get the end results that I have a cyst, pea sized deep in the tissue that’s why I never felt it…I was advised just to let it do its thing…it might get bigger, it might go away or it might stay the same….harmless…..well by then I was one big quivering nerve….so I dressed, almost skipped out….and went directly to my French Bakery, never gave it a second thought….got my coffee and pastry to wolf down in the car……let me tell you, I had a frigin sugar high from hell….my head hurt, my stomach was churning, I still have a lump in my throat…I never once had guilt, as I had already given myself permission because poor Kathy, she had to deal with such a stressful moment in her life, she needed help to get through it….

oh me oh my…I am still a work in progress…obviously I knew what I should of done, however I didn’t follow through, my inner rebel won this round…my inner chimp took over for sure….but my body is paying for my indulgence….I am hoping I don’t forget how horrible I felt, and still do after my French sacrifice…not looking forward to the carb hangover in the morning either…and all that garbage in my body will feed my arthritis pain…..I am shaking my head….and slugging water down….

I am not here asking or looking for any sympathy, I am fine and don’t have to go back for a year….was it stressful, of course, but I was only going for further testing….nothing definite had been said, really no big deal, had you seen me, you would of never thought I was loosing it inside….I as so dam cool calm and collected, getting on with life….but my rebel was screaming inside…my fear won, it had my head, heart and emotions revved very high…I should of known better, well I actually did, I just couldn’t maintain a level head…I still need to work on reining in my inner, insecure rebel…..

So there I have said it out loud, owned up to  my weakness and now it can only get better….needless to say I never made it to the gym…the day just went poof and was over, and I had to watch the Republican debate..

Sorry for all the whining and carrying on….but that is why I started this blog, somewhere for me to get it out onto paper…feels good to get it onto paper and out of my head….

Until tomorrow…..hopefully a much better report…and no –  I am not beating myself up…just pickin it up off the floor and getting on with it….XXkat

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Wednesday….

 The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.   Helen Hayes
My 2nd quote of  the 3 ……
Been a long day….started by getting my old bed out of the bedroom…and it took over an hour….my husband built the bed stand….let me tell you it was sturdy…..so the room is vacuumed and mopped and ready for a new bed….got a really good sweat on dealing with carrying out the pieces of the old bed and all the cleaning…
By the early afternoon I felt like a had a cold coming on…chills and achy all over…so I popped a couple Tylenol and sat back did nothing but try to stay warm…all snuggled in my jamies and big soft robe….all I wanted to do is eat…sad to report I am at almost 2000 calories….comfort food is all I wanted…
I am hoping I wake up refreshed as I am hitting the gym early and then the pool….get back on the horse and push on….LOL
We actually had moisture in the air this morning and it wasn’t just fog….don’t think there was even enough rain to measure but I saw it coming down…LOL I need to get my large cactus put up for the winter…my arthritis is being sedated by Tylenol, so I am not hurting much at all for the weather we are having…
Sweet dreams everyone….
until tomorrow….
 

Tuuuuueeeesssday……

Seems like this day is taking forever to get through…..started at the gym, pool first, the aerobic instructor was a fire cracker…talk about a good work out….then onto my trainer…we worked on new machines so that was good…I am getting more comfortable on them….then out and at the grocery by 10a….my husbands birthday so got what he wanted for dinner and an expensive bottle of champagne….and home…Just seems the day has dragged on, and on, and on….hummmm maybe it was me…I didn’t want to do anything outside…didn’t want to do anything inside…tried to take a nap…that didn’t work…just a restless day….

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It was a birthday meal, cake, champagne and kids showed up with cup cakes…needless to say I am at the high end of my calorie count tonight, (1710)…Its been a real up and down week so far….I need to refocus and get back at it…so easy to fall back into old habits…

So until tomorrow….

Vacation….automatic free for all….

Why is it that when you (rather me) is on vacation I feel it is an automatic pass for a free for all…no limits on anything, grocery store buys, trinkets, places to stay….money is no object…..all food is acceptable !!!  How bizarre that I have given myself a free pass at this time….I logically know that I am not going to get any healthier if I don’t eat better, and why is it so much harder to prepare healthy eating than high calorie food ?? And as my husband would remind me, we don’t have more money when we go traveling just because I think its a free for all, the money doesn’t duplicate itself just because I feel I have the right to spend willy nilly….?

well to stand up for myself…

it is easier to pop high calorie micro wave food in the ole zapper than to pull out all the pots and pans and then have to clean up behind yourself, I’d rather toss the plastic cooking vessels in the garbage than wash pots and pans in my littlie sink area….I do make salads and we always have plenty of fresh fruit, vegetables (microwave containers to cook them in) and salad fixins…I find its hard to say its to hard to peel a cucumber in the RV or, cut up a tomato…lol

However, just being on vacation seems to be an automatic mind pass to: bags of unhealthy chips, cookies, and candy!!!

So while I was shopping at a really wonderful Safeway, I was fighting with my inner demon child at almost every choice, chips verses trisket crackers….bought both!!!  cake verses pie….neither very healthy but the berry pie (small one) won out….instead of a 6 pack of diet Pepsi, only bought 2 bottles…so I was finding myself at least trying to stay in the conscience state of mind and making better choices and if I couldn’t fight it I bought both and would fight out the evil demon later if I could….

Being able to put down in writing has helped and will make me think before eating……

On that note I am going to peel potatoes and make vegetable soup for dinner since it is going to rain…lets hope I left the big pot in the RV…LOL

WHY ??????

Why ? That is the big question I keep asking myself daily, mainly at night, but never the less, daily….I so want to change how I eat and what I am becoming….I can keep on track for awhile and then…boom…I can’t stop….it always happens in the evening….my spouse goes to bed and that seems to be a green light for a free for all in the kitchen…AGHHHH makes me crazy….well lets say tomorrows another day….and I will give it a run for its money….I am sitting here shaking my head and wondering why I am killing myself with food….I know better, I am an intelligent woman and am aware of the consequences of obesity….oh well   wont’ help to complain…I will  head to bed  and tell myself its okay don’t beat yourself up.. and try not feel guilty…perhaps I need to focus on the anxiety part of the eating late at night…maybe it is as simple as my mom used to say to me,,,you always ate when you were tired..maybe is because we have been trained to have a full belly to sleep on since birth…babies sleep better on a full tummy…well maybe I am in baby mode….know I am just grasping at idea….I will go to bed and wake u it will be a new day…..