Wednesday

 

Well its been an interesting day….Dr. Jonathan, @ –  https://allabouthealthychoices.wordpress.com/

sent me a note –

Since we have a WordPress relationship I would like to ask you a question. Naturally, you are not obligated in any way to answer if you aren’t comfortable.
When my patients used to tell me they really weren’t hungry and kept their calories restricted (around 1200 calories,) I used to ask them why they felt they were not losing weight in the manner they desired. I have learned that perception and reality can vary greatly. You are active, happy, responsible about exercise and calorie consumption, yet something seems to be interfering with your goals. My question is, what do you think is impeding your progress?
I ask out of concern and a desire to understand the complexities of people to better help those in need and looking for answers. Again, I completely respect your right to privacy and will continue our wordpress relationship regardless.

My reply:

You make me smile….always hit the nail on the head don’t you….I haven’t been completely honest with myself….I have to stop eating late…I do my blog and poof I sit back to watch tv and my food addiction starts…..before I curbed with popsicles…can’t seem to get into them again…so I am afraid my late night munching is effecting my weight loss….whew glad I good say that out loud…I am not a closet eater, just can’t seem to get the late night eating under control again….before I would stand up and don 20 knee lifts every time I wanted to eat at night…that was a good cure all…..not sure why I can’t get back at it….I am loosing…but at a snails pace….I do wonderful up until I am sitting here alone in front of the boob tube…I know I hear you….turn it off and go to bed….maybe that’s the answer….so in all reality my calories at the time I blog are at that number, then I start to eat….I have to say that I haven’t gone over 1600calories all week, so I am doing way better…blogging helps…today I am at 1240 and its 2p…I plan to have some zucchini, which I love, later and that will bring my calorie quota up to 1320….I am so happy that you wrote to me, as I feel I can own it and will not eat more that that today….I will go back to doing the leg lifts…nothing like curbing the desire to eat than exercise…LOL.thank you jonathan…I hoped I answered your question…if not let me know what more you would like to know….mostly I can say I am a food a-holic and man its tuff to kick old habits….xxkat

And then:

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Just wanted to say thank you again for helping me face my demon/rebel that seems to take over my sensible side….after I sent the last note I went and got a very serious workout in the pool for over an hour and have started doing what I know I should be doing….20+ knee lifts every time I think I need to go get something to eat…I am in charge and am totally aware of what I have to do…thank you again Jonathan…you may not think you did anything but ask me why and to share, but you opened up my eyes to what I need to do…and stop beating around the bush, its all about hard work…no one else can do it for me….thank you my friend…kat

So its been a day of soul searching and getting a grip on the late night eating…its working so far…its 7:30p and I am well on to my way to 100 knee lifts…LOL  time to get back to being in complete control and totally honest with myself and all of you…not that I have purposely lied to anyone, but since I haven’t been honest with myself , that means that I haven’t been with you all as well….for that I am sorry…didn’t mean too…its weigh in tomorrow –  I am excited to see if I am at least the same as last week…I had lost 1 pound on Friday when I checked so I am hoping I am at least even or less….no fingers crossed…it will be what it is….but I can guarantee that I am back in control and will not be swayed anymore by my inner rebel, that bitch is back where she belongs….I sit here shaking my head, I am 59 and have overcome huge obstacles in my life, but flash a frigin piece of bread, popcorn, ice cream or anything else that’s eatable and I am a goner… I have said it before and I will say it once again….hopefully for the last time…

Hello my name is Kathy and I am a food a-holic…..

xxxooo

 

 

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Oh Me Oh My

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Well the day started out like any other…up-first cup of coffee behind me…thinking about making an appearance at the gym and pool…then my phone rings….the imaging center, seems the radiologist would like a few more pictures of my infamous breast….can you make it today…well of course…the sooner the better…my heart rate is up, my stomach is in knots.my head is starting to pound..my brain has gone into overdrive…I immedialtly want to go take a shower and do a breast exam, did I miss something??  IS that why my frigin arm is hurting, do I have a lump I can’t feel under my arm pit area.???  See how my brain starts to just unwind…I hate this kind of BS….and so frigin early in the morning…..Aghhhhh   So the imaging center is located in a huge medical office building with a very yummy French Bakery….very authentic French Bakery…..I fought the urge before my appointment, infact that is why I made the intial appointment on a Saturday, the Bakery is closed…besides my brain running in the gutter with terrible thoughts about why they want me to come back in, I have the frigin Bakery that the rebel is reminding to go to……infact I was in line waiting to look at the yummy “des pâtisseries” – but I got to the point where the line was 3 from the cashier….I turned and left….I knew it was just nerves that sent me flying into the bakery to begin with and my rebel…sooooo I had my appointment, followed up with an ultrasound the entire time, praying, making deals with any deity that would listen…I finally get the end results that I have a cyst, pea sized deep in the tissue that’s why I never felt it…I was advised just to let it do its thing…it might get bigger, it might go away or it might stay the same….harmless…..well by then I was one big quivering nerve….so I dressed, almost skipped out….and went directly to my French Bakery, never gave it a second thought….got my coffee and pastry to wolf down in the car……let me tell you, I had a frigin sugar high from hell….my head hurt, my stomach was churning, I still have a lump in my throat…I never once had guilt, as I had already given myself permission because poor Kathy, she had to deal with such a stressful moment in her life, she needed help to get through it….

oh me oh my…I am still a work in progress…obviously I knew what I should of done, however I didn’t follow through, my inner rebel won this round…my inner chimp took over for sure….but my body is paying for my indulgence….I am hoping I don’t forget how horrible I felt, and still do after my French sacrifice…not looking forward to the carb hangover in the morning either…and all that garbage in my body will feed my arthritis pain…..I am shaking my head….and slugging water down….

I am not here asking or looking for any sympathy, I am fine and don’t have to go back for a year….was it stressful, of course, but I was only going for further testing….nothing definite had been said, really no big deal, had you seen me, you would of never thought I was loosing it inside….I as so dam cool calm and collected, getting on with life….but my rebel was screaming inside…my fear won, it had my head, heart and emotions revved very high…I should of known better, well I actually did, I just couldn’t maintain a level head…I still need to work on reining in my inner, insecure rebel…..

So there I have said it out loud, owned up to  my weakness and now it can only get better….needless to say I never made it to the gym…the day just went poof and was over, and I had to watch the Republican debate..

Sorry for all the whining and carrying on….but that is why I started this blog, somewhere for me to get it out onto paper…feels good to get it onto paper and out of my head….

Until tomorrow…..hopefully a much better report…and no –  I am not beating myself up…just pickin it up off the floor and getting on with it….XXkat

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Happy Fourth of July

Can’t beat Johnny Cash and his Rugged Old Flag song for the Fourth of July weekend…

ENJOY THE WEEKEND EVERYONE….Safe and Sane should be on all our minds…its dry out there….

Doing well today after a slow morning…getting a lot done, cleaning house, repotting plants, restocking the cupboards from the pantry…Enjoying the nice cool day we are having…yesterday I woke up feeling ready to go, awake and alert, happy and humming songs….last night I had a cheese sandwich at 9p, (still in my calorie range)….however when I woke up this morning, I had a carb hangover, I could barely get it out of bed at 9a, I need to go back to no eating after 6p, it seems to work for me… after a shower, coffee and vitamins I finally got the pep back in my step…got a lot of work done today I was putting off…

Good calorie intake so far….going back to 4 hours in-between eating again…otherwise its to easy to just keep eating, I am allowing myself to have iced coffees, vitamin waters, water and I made lite minute maid popsicles so I can have as many of those as I want…they are only 5 calories, and its a great substitute if I feel the need to eat….the rebel in me has been fighting with me all week about how I shouldn’t deprive myself of anything!! no matter!!   So between fighting the cravings and urges I mentally feel like a rag at the end of the day sometimes…I am not a weak person mentally,  but when it comes to food, my addiction takes over and I crumble easy….staying on top of it all; part of the process of getting on to a healthy journey….but why does it have to be so frigin hard!?!!  Why isn’t it as easy to loose weight as gain?….the pendulum does not swing fairly…just sayin…

so until tomorrow….

Home Again….

What a great week we were having….then the heat wave was announced starting today!!!  It was only going to be one day here at home, today, but we were in East Idaho on the Salmon River…..temps going up to over a hundred for several days, they threatened into the beginning of July…Ahhhh no thanks….high 80’s, even low 90’s is okay as long as the nights cool down..no matter where we went the heat wave was going to affect that area, but our biggest concern was driving home in the heat of the day…pretty hard on tires and motors, let alone the humans and dog…LOL  so we pulled up the anchor and headed home…literally….so home yesterday…dirty clothes in washer, RV emptied out….

so now that I am home I am reflecting the last two days of hard driving, I am regretting some of my food choices…I used the excuse we were pushing to get home, poor me, having to drive so far each day….the need for a big, fat avocado, bacon burger was a must in my mind, 970 calories later…..I am thankful I didn’t get a milkshake to go with it…I continued to feel sorry for myself of course and for two days in a row, actually 3 days ate over my 2000 calories but not over 2500, not that that’s a good thing but I did try to control, cause believe me I could of just kept eating…..Boo Hooing now big time!!  I have to weigh in Saturday…..my last weigh I was a milestone…and I promised myself I would never go back to the weight I left behind…..but I am thinking I may have back slid a little….hoping not…but it isn’t looking to good…..I have beat myself up for the last 24 hours, actually as soon as I put the last bite of the burger in my mouth, guilt started, but didn’t make me stop eating…plus I was sooo full…I hadn’t felt that full for a very long time….I was miserable…rightly so….I got up this morning, new attitude, new goal, repeating my positive mantras…

I must applaud myself (just bring honest)  for at least counting every bite I put in my mouth no matter how high the calorie #s got, I wasn’t trying to cheat myself or pretend it wasn’t what it was.   I have been extremely careful today, actually got out the tablespoon and even measured my quarter cup of onions.  I realize that life will not always be easy but I really need to work on remembering why I am where I am, and why I am doing what I am doing…the rebel who feels I should get whatever I want no matter what snuck out and took over my brain for a few days…no excuse but that’s what happened….

So here I am blogging, writing it all down, trying to figure out a better plan in the future, as this will more that likely happen again….I can’t believe how much it helps to write it down and own it…. I will be on here daily for awhile to help me get back on my journey…..

nice to be home out of the extreme heat…..so until tomorrow