The REBEL….he finally comes to light!!!

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No Matter which rebel is sitting on your shoulder, its really hard to rid yourself of him, or if you prefer her….mine was a nameless male….He could be really nice and whisper sweet nothings into my ear, teasing me with rewards of my favorite foods…which by the way are not all sugary treats…other times he would stomp his feet, stab me with the proverbial pitch fork, kick me, hit me….even spat on me…demanding I do as he wants…eat it or else,  you know you want to…do it…you will like it, get on with it fool, just do it, no one can tell you what to do…your in control, its your body, own in, eat it, want it….it will be sooo good, I promise !

He would  chant to me…his favorite was, no one can tell you what to do, what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, how much to eat, or when to stop!!!! It was all most like a nursery rhyme in my head….sad but true…I could sing it over and over and over again…..

Then as quickly as he was shouting at me he would change and just be the logic and say see how much better it will be, just eat it, stop for another one, the donut shop is just ahead, lets do fast food, so much easier….why not get two, eat one now and another for later….hummmm???  Better stop at the store, don’t forget the butter; popcorn is not good unless every kernel has been soaked in butter,, why not add some parmesan cheese, oooh-no lets do marshmallows…yum, with chocolate chips.!!!  It all seemed logical to me….why not! It tasted good, It was my body..  Right?

I swear sometimes I thought I was crazy for some of the ways I acted in regards to food…why I had to be so hard headed about the issue is beyond me….of course I have my theories….but the rebel in me is the one that keeps coming back  first in line in my mind…Of course we all want to blame someone else for our failures, like our parents, schooling, had to be the way I was raised, I didn’t go to church when I was young I am sure that’s it….Right???       Couldn’t be my fault !!???   Never….

Well first you have to OwN UP to your failures and then MaKe them RiGhT...

You have to change the way you think about food, and get rid of the attitude you have…Its not easy, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, I had to deal with some guilt issues I was carrying around, buried deep inside and then let it go, way harder than it sounds…

I would have to say it has taken all the years and all the different diets and programs I have tried mixed altogether in my mind to finally make me realize until I fixed what was going on inside of me, I would not, or could not stop the rebel on my shoulder, no matter how much I tried I needed something bigger than I was doing, over and over again…..I  must admit that my last program I was in, Overeaters Anonymous was helpful, they actually had tools to help me work through my addiction to food, which was from the crap I had going on inside of me….I am not saying that a-12 Step-program is for everyone…I found I was already living most of the steps in the program, there were just a couple I was missing, or rather had to work through….when I felt I could gain nothing more from the program I walked away…continued to use the tools, which were books and guides, to help myself, however, it was now time for inner reflection….I believe from that and all the other knowledge based programs I was able to break free from my rebel…I am thankful for all the programs and all the people that reached out to help me, however,  until I reached out myself  – that is when I was able to heal what was broken and put the rebel in his proper spot…it wasn’t easy owning up to your issues, working through the guilt, and being able to put it behind you once and for all, your so used to carrying it around and having it nag, nag and nag at you…..I guess the proper saying would be, “having it eat away at you”  LOL

Trust me its an on going daily fight and I am convinced I will never be free from him, but I am the one in control of what I eat, and when and how much….I, me, get to make that conscience decision, even if I have to count my calories, journal, and add up the numbers, its all about me…..only me….he can try to influence me, but I am learning how to shut him out, changing my attitude on life, not such a hard ass….LOL  and oh how easy it is to slip and fall back into the old ways…..to easy…stay on your toes, remain focused and it will get better, slowly, steadily, get better….and always, always forgive yourself for your imperfections….that’s just how life goes – you get some right and you get some wrong…

Like the old saying -If you get bucked off, get your ass up off the ground and get back in the saddle….

 

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