Well the day started out like any other…up-first cup of coffee behind me…thinking about making an appearance at the gym and pool…then my phone rings….the imaging center, seems the radiologist would like a few more pictures of my infamous breast….can you make it today…well of course…the sooner the better…my heart rate is up, my stomach is in knots.my head is starting to pound..my brain has gone into overdrive…I immedialtly want to go take a shower and do a breast exam, did I miss something?? IS that why my frigin arm is hurting, do I have a lump I can’t feel under my arm pit area.??? See how my brain starts to just unwind…I hate this kind of BS….and so frigin early in the morning…..Aghhhhh So the imaging center is located in a huge medical office building with a very yummy French Bakery….very authentic French Bakery…..I fought the urge before my appointment, infact that is why I made the intial appointment on a Saturday, the Bakery is closed…besides my brain running in the gutter with terrible thoughts about why they want me to come back in, I have the frigin Bakery that the rebel is reminding to go to……infact I was in line waiting to look at the yummy “des pâtisseries” – but I got to the point where the line was 3 from the cashier….I turned and left….I knew it was just nerves that sent me flying into the bakery to begin with and my rebel…sooooo I had my appointment, followed up with an ultrasound the entire time, praying, making deals with any deity that would listen…I finally get the end results that I have a cyst, pea sized deep in the tissue that’s why I never felt it…I was advised just to let it do its thing…it might get bigger, it might go away or it might stay the same….harmless…..well by then I was one big quivering nerve….so I dressed, almost skipped out….and went directly to my French Bakery, never gave it a second thought….got my coffee and pastry to wolf down in the car……let me tell you, I had a frigin sugar high from hell….my head hurt, my stomach was churning, I still have a lump in my throat…I never once had guilt, as I had already given myself permission because poor Kathy, she had to deal with such a stressful moment in her life, she needed help to get through it….
oh me oh my…I am still a work in progress…obviously I knew what I should of done, however I didn’t follow through, my inner rebel won this round…my inner chimp took over for sure….but my body is paying for my indulgence….I am hoping I don’t forget how horrible I felt, and still do after my French sacrifice…not looking forward to the carb hangover in the morning either…and all that garbage in my body will feed my arthritis pain…..I am shaking my head….and slugging water down….
I am not here asking or looking for any sympathy, I am fine and don’t have to go back for a year….was it stressful, of course, but I was only going for further testing….nothing definite had been said, really no big deal, had you seen me, you would of never thought I was loosing it inside….I as so dam cool calm and collected, getting on with life….but my rebel was screaming inside…my fear won, it had my head, heart and emotions revved very high…I should of known better, well I actually did, I just couldn’t maintain a level head…I still need to work on reining in my inner, insecure rebel…..
So there I have said it out loud, owned up to my weakness and now it can only get better….needless to say I never made it to the gym…the day just went poof and was over, and I had to watch the Republican debate..
Sorry for all the whining and carrying on….but that is why I started this blog, somewhere for me to get it out onto paper…feels good to get it onto paper and out of my head….
Until tomorrow…..hopefully a much better report…and no – I am not beating myself up…just pickin it up off the floor and getting on with it….XXkat
We’ve all had moments of weakness, especially under stress. The important thing is you’ve acknowledged it. I’m sure it’ll do better tomorrow 😊 and it’s great that it’s only a cyst and not anything too serious!
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yes….I am very thankful…thanks…kat
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Glad all is good and DON’T worry about the cake and the coffee, just remember the next time you feel you might crack, all you need do is cast your mind back to the last time you ate the cake and you will remember how dreadful you felt post pastry.
That is what life is all about.
I do love the saying “Never let a stumble be the end of your journey”
Quite wonderful words.
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thanks….its all a learning curve for me, food was my medication and best friend for more years than I can count….thanks for the great words….kat
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Mine too Kat. I think that is why I am having so many issues now that I am unable to seek solace in the food. It is a relationship that did not judge, did not desert and almost never failed to make me feel better or at least okay. Now I do not have this facility, I am finding it a bit of a struggle for sure but tuning in to the blogs and getting the support off of so many amazing people sure does help… 🙂
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yes, it certainly was a silent companion for sure….and most the time made me feel better for while…then the guilt…but I am working on it…..people who have never been addicted to food, or anything else doesn’t understand….mu husband has a hard time wrapping his head around it….he’s pretty black and white and has great self control…not all warm and fuzzy like me….LOL
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Thats what I like about us guys, we are all warm and fuzzy!
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yes you are!!!!
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What Cameron said and lots of love from me 🙂
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I agree with you NOT to beat yourself up, but instead, to learn from the experience. Here is my (unsolicited) recommendation:
While life is good and peaceful, figure out what will satisfy your emotional needs in times of challenge that produces POSITIVE or NEUTRAL outcomes rather than a DAMAGING ones. Having the “safety net” prepared well in advance creates healthier interventions. The fewer times you turn to choices in life you’re attempting to avoid the easier it gets to remove them as options in life.
Good luck with any road you choose.
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thank you for that….I do need a safety net as life is nothing but ups and downs…I will have to give this some thought….I appreciate your input…..always…kat
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I’m relieved and proud of you. And don’t you dare apologize for using your space to clear your thoughts. This is YOUR space, and we’re here for YOU. I hope you enjoyed that bakery treat, at least while it was going down. No need for guilt…but I’m sorry it made you sick afterward. Take care of you. 🙂
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It was actually a good think it made me sick as it shows me that my body is rebelling against carbs, especially sugar!!! yeah….my favorite of the 3 was the vegan pumpkin pie….very tasty….I only ate the butterscotch off the top of the meringue and of course I ate the entire chocolate croissant…LOL…..thanks for caring…kat
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Croissants come in chocolate? What have you done to me, woman? Must. Find.
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LOL and yummy…..
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Isn’t it amazing that your body is now rebeling against the carbs? It shows you how far you have come. I am glad to hear it was only a cyst!! And ditto on what stephallaneous said, no need to aplogize 🙂
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thanks…you guys are great!!! kat and yes whew it was only a cyst….yay
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We all fall down occasionally; the key is to get back up and keep moving forward. I appreciate your honestly, and glad your health is good. 🙂
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thanks…always honest….kat
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Whew, what a day. I’m so relieved for you. Celebrate ! Revel in the relief. In the grand scheme of things, the cake won’t count.
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thanks….I am reveling for sure….lol
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Don’t beat yourself up. It was a stressful day. I agree that it’s a good thing that your body didn’t like it much. I too am glad it’s just a cyst. My wife is going through a similar thing. She had her annual yesterday and, with her family history, she wants her to do extensive testing, see if she has the gene, 3-d imaging, etc. she’s nervous, and so am I. Her doc even threw out prophylactic mastectomy during her appt. I try not to show it, but it scares me. Glad yours turned our to be no biggie. Hopeful hers does too.
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fingers crossed for her…I was thinking a prophylactic mastectomy would be wonderful for me…I could loose about 10 pounds of boob mass and I would never have to worry about breast cancer, it runs in out family…..sending good thoughts your way….kat
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Thanks Kat. She doesn’t go for all the testing until the 24th, so we play the waiting game for a while.
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that’s the worst……hurry up and wait…at least I had my answer yesterday before I walked away…..kat
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Is what it is. She’s had scares before that turned out to be nothing. Hoping that’s the case again.
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I agree…I meant me…breast CA runs in our family….I’d rather be without…..
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Oh, absolutely! Like I told her last night, I love “The Girls”, very much, but not as much as I love her. If it comes to that, take those suckers off. She agrees, of course. She’d rather not, but she’d rather live.
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oh my what a choice….yes in the end they are really are only good for 2 things…babies and men…LOL
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Well, we are done feeding babies, and I’ve had free reign for 25 years now. If they have to go, I’ll mourn a bit, but be thankful I was blessed with for that long. And cancer runs in her family too. That’s her docs primary concern. If the tests determine she has that gene, they’re likely comin off. We shall see.
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hum…maybe I should do the gene thing too…it was my fathers sister that lost her life to breast cancer….I will ask my MD about that…kat
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Might not be a bad idea. My wife says its called BRCA test. She says it’ll tell whether you carry the gene for breast cancer.
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thanks I am going to look into that….xxkat
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Glad it all worked out and was only a cyst!:)
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thanks lynn I hate that kind of crap….as I am sure all women do, I have a very vivid active imagination….it doesn’t like to wait for the results its busy shooting out its own thoughts….LOL
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yes I know me too! But am so glad it went fairly quickly and you found out! 🙂
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me too…I would of still been eating if I had to wait to hear the results in a few days….
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yes I know me too! The other day I ate more, then I realized stress! Bad bad habit!! But we are learning so steps I guess!
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yep….its all about learning to deal with stressors and do something different…I just wish eating wasn’t bad for us…..
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ha ha yeah
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Wow Kat what a time you have had. Every day things are thrown in front of us, it feels like an obstacle course…with french pastry stops, we are now trying to complete the course without the pastry stops…I bet we all wish we had the answer what to replace them with. I’m pleased the little devil was only a cyst. Well done you are doing so great.
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